Dwelling in the Place of What If

SO many nights lost to sleeplessness and cold sweats; second-guessing decisions confidently made in the daylight's Right Mind.

Passionate pursuits "shushed" for fear of humiliation, or failure, or "insert excuse here"; silencing singing, denying access to the hard-won skill long languishing in memories of who I used to be.

Fighting while my Capricorn drive for practicality takes me down every imagined Tragic Ending for my shattered heart.

Anxiety: dwelling in the place of What If.

So how about this: What if I trust - that it has always worked out. What if I know - that I have everything I need. What if I believe - that I am loved and loveable. What if I dwell - in the place of Peace?

This Thanksgiving weekend, the Fall colours are perfect. Crocus bulbs have been planted in Mount Layla, protected by a CAUTION tape barrier, a buried promise for spring; the crisp fall air and clear bright sunlight has made for three full days of thanking Creator for my life. Yes. Thanking.

Especially for the gift of Pain of these last four years since Greg left my side. My suit of armour, my storytelling skills, my Purpose, and my Voice have emerged burnished, amplified, and empowered. Yes, I sing. Yes, I am growing my Pack. Yes, I am loving both who and what I see when I look in the mirror.

COVID. The Forge in which my broken pot, cracks filled with golden clay, burned off the tattered edges of my grief. In the blink of an eye, gifts rained down: the Evil Commute is gone; home office dreams have become both a reality and a calling; mental health has taken its place at the top of every agenda; and self-care is everyone's unapologetic focus. Mine found expression in singing and exercise.

And then came Sammy.

A week ago, we shared two miserable nights as he wailed in his crate, and my anxiety bloomed into a full blown panic attack. Layla sat beside me and licked away my tears, and in the clear morning light of the third day, I pivoted.

No crate - except for me. Layla and Sammy kept each other company through the night.

And there was peace.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Comments

  1. pt1949October 17, 2020 at 12:08 AM

    You write beautifully. Keep striving for each bit of peace. PT

    ReplyDelete

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